Are you there God? It's me, Moli... Again

Dear God, 

It's me, Moli again. You know the girl roaming Earth, that is a hot mess all the time. A terrible Catholic who only prays when she needs guidance or worried about someone else? I know You probably pretend You don't know me, like I pretend to ignore my own mind. We both know we can't just pretend my thoughts and I'm not there.

These last couple of years have been a little rough. There were moments when I was beyond angry with You and I wondered why. Why did the things that happen have to happen? Why can't You just leave me alone? Why? So, yes, in other words, I lost myself. I reconnected with You when I was sixteen because I wanted to be a Godmother. After that, I lost You and myself again.

Then I heard a quote, "God doesn't give you battles he didn't think you weren't strong enough to handle." 

I won't lie and say that didn't take me aback. For such a long time I didn't want to listen to You, I didn't care enough, I just wanted to be left alone. When in reality You were just looking over me, You were trying to guide me through my tribulations. You knew I could handle it, You knew I would somehow climb my way to the top again. I was at such a low.

I allowed the Devil to be my Angel in disguise.

So I stopped being in my own head and listened. Listened for Your voice. 

It wasn't strong at first. I had to rebuild that connection with You once again. It was hard, I found myself praying when I felt lost and confused or when I felt I needed something. They were short, not worth anything. Seeing as we are being honest here, I felt upset when talking to You. I kept being brought back to when I was younger. To when church was every Sunday, prayers were long and every night, when I wanted to be a priest (how that was possible when I wanted to be married with kids and the fact I'm a female, I don't know), and I was confident in who I was. It brought me back to a time I was one with myself and at peace. It also reminded me of my late grandfather and my great grandma. Maybe that's the reason I stopped praying. Maybe it's because I lost my lifeline to You. Although, that's a semi lie because my dad is connected to you. I could have made him my lifeline. Maybe it's because I got scared. Scared of the things I did, heard, and seen. Maybe it's because the Devil tempted me so much, I accepted the apple. I accepted the apple of conforming, changing who I was, losing faith. And maybe that's the reason why I felt like I could no longer talk to You.

What changed for me though? Maybe it was the messages You were sending me. Maybe it was my memories being triggered. I know they say You speak the loudest when a person starts to feel lost or stray off the path to You. Maybe it was my dream. It was an old dream. I want to say it happened my sophomore year of high school. I don't remember how it started but I remember it went white. I couldn't see anything but a white light. I heard a booming voice, a booming voice that said

"God will give you hope."

I liked to believe my guardian angel said that to me. I know for a long time I was waiting for that hope. Maybe that's another reason why I stopped praying. I was losing hope. I was told You would give me hope and You never did. I took it as a lie but like I said I allowed the Devil to be my Angel in disguise in which he tempted me and I took the apple. Now, now I realized You did give me hope. I was just too blind to see it and that's okay. I know it's okay now. Sometimes we have to fall apart to have a stronger connection with You.

You saved me while the Devil let me drown.

I was starting to slowly put my life back into pieces, I was finally somewhat happy. I was finally ready to let you back in. Now I'm not a hundred percent the perfect Catholic. I have a lot of down falls. So don't hold it against me if I am still a mess. I'm not always going to pray every night (because I will forget, just as I forget to answer or send out text messages), once this quarantine lifts and the churches open up, I am going to attempt to make it to church at least once a week. Every time I feel like I am losing trust in You I am going to think back to my dream. That You are going to give me hope. That You are giving me hope. I need to know that I have to trust and wait for what is still unseen. Because you are sending me signs. They may be small and I might not register them right away but they are there.

I know that at times I am going to fall off and maybe it's going to seem I might not come back, but I know that I will always make my way home. Even if I stray far away. I'm not going to make promises because I don't make promises I can't keep. It's not that I don't think I can't keep them but what happens if I take that path again and I promised you all that stuff? That's not fair to You or me.

You gave me a strong head on my shoulders when I was falling apart and I am thankful for that. I am thankful You never left and forgot me when I chose to leave and forget you. Thank you for forgiving and guiding me home. Thank you for sending me signs during this uncertain time and even sending me signs when I was down in the dumps and I wasn't listening.   

God Bless us and God Bless everyone. Amen.

Sippin' Pretty, Sippin' Strong
Moli