I Am Worth More Than Your Toxic Antics

Toxicity (n) the quality of being toxic or poisonous.

Over the past four years, toxicity seemed to run through the veins of some of my friendships. I probably dealt with more toxic people in college than I did in high school. Sounds odd, I know. You would think people would have grown out of that. Don't tell anyone... They don't. If anything they get so set in their ways, you wonder if people ever change.

I'm going to give you one warning about toxic people:

You don't realize a person is toxic until after you realize your self-worth.

I made a lot of mistakes with these toxic people. I gave them too many doors and too many opportunities to come back into my life. I let them get in my head. I let them make me anxious. I allowed that to happen. 

My favorite memory (and I'm using favorite here loosely) would have to be when I was talking to, to protect their identity and integrity we'll call him Toxic Person A, Toxic Person A about something we were both passionate about and it was a normal conversation but somehow it went into an argument. He said something that someone else told him that I told him multiple times and I felt like I wasn't being heard. And I felt frustrated. I felt why was I even bothering if it went in ear and out the other? Why was I wasting my breath. I expressed how I felt and he told me he was doing something because of me. And I stood there. Dumbfounded. I know, I know. That's what any girls dream would be. To have a guy tell you he did something because of you. But hearing those words just didn't settle with me right. It took me getting to the point of feeling not being heard for him to tell me that. I let it slide. 

Eventually I became his outlet for everything.

He would tell me things. Things he did (his story to tell not mine). It got to the point it was too much for my head to handle. Too much for my heart to handle. He would dump his baggage and leave. I got nothing out of it. I was an idiot and I kept going back. Kept making sure everything was alright. The things he told me kept triggering my anxiety and I couldn't handle it anymore. I walked away. Ever since I walked away things changed between me and him. I no longer feel an emotional attachment, the need to fix a broken object that either wasn't mine to fix or destined to be fixed. If anything our relationship in an odd way got better. I kept seeing him less and less. 

Now, to protect the identity and integrity of this next person we shall call him Toxic Person B. Out of the both of them, he was the worst. He was the one that officially allowed me to see my self-worth and how to avoid toxic people. 

His anger and issues became my problem.  

If I'm being honest here, I never really thought anything of it or him being toxic until after I walked away. I saw it as a problem but I just... I really just don't know.

Eventually his issues were becoming my problem. I would give advice, it wasn't worth it. That was fine for me, I didn't really care. Someone isn't always going to take my advice. My advice might not be the advice they needed. Like I always say "You can have ten different opinions coming from ten different people but at the end of the day the only opinions who counts is yours." And always finishing my advice off with "I don't know" so I don't get in trouble if they mess up (just a little tip). Here's the issue though, he wanted us to condone his behaviors and I'm not about that. So I walked away.  

I didn't want him in my life. I didn't want to become the trash can for someone else. I was tired of it. 

I finally saw my self-worth. 

I saw that I was worth more than being an outlet for emotional baggage. I was worth more than the bumps and bruises that I got. I deserved to be happy. I deserved to be heard. I didn't deserve to be treated like I was less than a human being. I started to realize I was a strong, independent woman. A woman who is respectable. A woman who is trustworthy. A woman who is logical. A woman who cares and doesn't deserve to be on the back burner. My life was not a revolving door that people can just walk in and out of. I deserved to have been picked from the beautiful garden so I can thrive. I didn't deserve to get picked and left to wilt away.

I am worth more than your toxic antics. 

Remember Sippers, you are not a victim. You are worth it. You deserve the world. The light is always at the end of the tunnel. Allow yourself time to heal. If you need to talk to someone, find a support group to help you or find someone to talk to. Try and stop the contact with the person (I know it is easier said than done). Allow yourself time to recognize it. 

Make sure to breathe. Allow yourself to be vulnerable. Allow yourself time to be able to smile.  

If you or a loved one are in a relationship that is abusive and need an out visit The National Domestic Hotline or call 1-800-799-SAFE (7233).

To end things off I will be leaving you with one of my favorite quotes that I found to help you if you are going through what I went through.

Sippin' Pretty, Sippin' Strong, 

Moli